Protagonist, Where Are You?

I can't quite explain the sadness... 

There are moments that feel as if they go on for hours, occasionally they might.

I have no combination of words in which I could describe the heartache I am enduring. 

My heart is being ripped to shreds, all that left is bits of it piled like confetti beneath me.

It would simplify things if I were to merely walk away and never look back. 

That would be the easy way out. I believe in fighting for what you deserve. 

Fighting for what you want.

Not giving in or giving up.

Nobody can save me, 

nobody was ever supposed to. 

I have been the antagonist in my own story for far too long.

This sadness overwhelms my entire being. 

Nothing appears to be tangible, emotion is almost nonexistent yet incredibly overwhelming.

 My stomach is a pit of emptiness. 

I am weak. 

I am exhausted mentally, emotionally, and everything in between. 

I cannot sleep, the sadness I feel exists within my dreams too. 

It feels almost inescapable. 

I don't want to be stuck here anymore. However, 

I do not want to walk away either. 

Frankly,

I have never experienced a love quite like this. 

And I don't believe he can wrap his head around it. 

For I barely can... I can make a million excuses, but

at the end of the day I feel if the right steps were to be taken,

all would fall into place.

I have never had someone throw reality in my face 

and tell me that I had no choice but to mend the broken shards 

of my past in order to be whole again. 

I have awareness now. 

All of the bad existing in my life 

does not belong brushed underneath a rug to be forgotten about.

It needs to be discussed. It needs to be dealt with. 

It will be uncomfortable.

I just need to keep reminding myself that soon,

All of this weight will soon be lifted.

 It is taking every fiber within my being to pull myself back up. 

I want this. 

I want my independence. 

I want to be healthy.

I want to free myself from these chains
 attached to this sadness and pain.

 All of this...
It has been lingering in my life
since before I can remember.

It is time.

 I have been knowingly allowing my past to destroy me,
I should have let go ages ago. 

I know this.
And now I have lost yet another good thing due to FEAR. 

I do want to close this chapter. 

I want to turn the page.

God only knows I have been stuck here for entirely too long. 

The edges are tattered and worn.

I deserve better.

No more excuses.

No more fear.

Now all I have to do is trust the process...