My Mind Is An Ocean

This morning I brewed a cup of well deserved tea.

[No sugar. Not allowed.]

Lost in mental chaos,

a rust like ring formed around my cup from my now overly black tea.

I sat there,silence rattling my thoughts.

Entrancement. 

My tea,now lukewarm and bitter...

This must be a metaphor for my life. 

/mediocrity does not belong here/

Overwhelmed by a sense of nausea

 that even the thought of breathing intensified 

Hopelessness has stuck to me like tar.

Not a single fucking thing has brought me an ounce of relief.

I fear so much.

 I feel too much.

Every night this week is the same ordeal. 

Crying silent tears into my pillow case.

Outbursts of tears while I shower, drowning out the sound.

Nobody knows, nobody cares.

(I am so lost)

 And nobody could possibly correlate to this sentiment.

I am sick and tired of trying. 

I am sick and tired of caring.

Exhaustion will eat me alive.

I have poured myself into so much.

I have nothing left.

Emptiness is my common ground. 

This is my "normal."

Apologies have lost their value.

Love has lost its power. 

Hope has lost it's place.

Fear is now my comfort zone 

and frankly that makes my bones quiver. 

I need to vent, but trust is not available.

I need to wallow in this. 

I need to walk away.

I am making a final decision.

I am not giving the power I rightfully deserve.

I am more than a body, I am more than mere flesh.

I am more than a goddamned memory.

I am more than I give myself credit for. 

I am more.

I refuse to continue... 

This heartache, I caused myself. 

I brought me here. 

And I can lead my way home.

But,

Where the hell is home at this point?

Inside my own shell of a body 

I do not even feel welcome.

I am the only one suffering. 

And I am the only one at fault, 

So, I am making my final decision. 

I am choosing myself over my situation.

I am saving myself.

I COME FIRST.

I can no longer live in the past expecting to grow.

Expecting to flourish in in a desert.

I am going nowhere, I am getting nowhere. 

This is no longer worth it.

I cannot force my broken heart onto someone 

who wants nothing to do with it.

I need to regain my strength, 

my thoughts are just as cancerous as my reality. 

I am being unfair.

Because I fucking deserve more.

*Love was never supposed to hurt.

Love was never supposed to destroy me.*

It is time I place the limelight 

on my most important asset. 

ME.

Echo Inside My Head -

Move forward.

Those two words keep 

|e|c|h|o|i|n|g| 

inside of me.

I crave change like {sugar.}

Change means to move,

moving means my universe 

will continute to expand endlessly 

until I decide to find comfort in where I exist.

Change is terrifying, change will shake you up.

Regret is far more terrifying than change could ever be.

I will not fear change. 

I will revel in discomfort.

I never want comfort.
I once did, but I was once unwise .

I thrive for a life in which I never stop.

A life where I am never comfortable

 because I always yearn for more.

This is NOT a weakness.

This is a strength.

I do not need anyone to make me whole.

These empty gaps are mine, and mine alone.

I need to be the one to fill them in.

//However, I cannot do that here.

I have never been able to do that here.//

* This is goodbye to my old self.

This is hello to my new life.

Awareness.

Always the antidote, yet I cannot even cure myself. 

Bound.

Reality 

does not 

impress me.

Only in a euphoric state,  

Only in delirium.

And when the normality of  living 

bounds me down in its shackles...

I 

will  

escape.

One 

   way 

       or 

         another. 

[No 

more 

walls]

A letter to you

It would be implausible for me
to ever think I could forget you.
I cannot forget you.
Forgetting you would be like
forgetting a part of
who I am as a person.

IMPRACTICALITY.

I do however wish you well.
I wish you to come across
a friend as
unwavering
as I have
attempted to be
for
y.o.u.

And I wish you
to f
     i
       n
        d
a more harmonized
partner to share you life with.
You have a luminous future ahead of you.
I refuse to be what holds you back.
You deserve more.
You deserve radiance.

There is hope -

Only hope has the capability override fear. 

Give up bad habits, 

give up toxic people,

give up anything that does not lift you higher.

{Perseverance.}

Get out of this bleak atmosphere
in which you've been taking refuge in.

Look for the light.
(There is always light.)

You cannot appreciate the morning sun
if you do not know
what it is like to
live without
the
night
sky.  

Hope is power,
hope is fortitude.

Hope will assist you in changing the world. 

However,
you cannot change the world around you

until you change the world within you. 

Be patient, 

allow
the universe
to do
it's
work. 

**The sun will always rise, 

it will always shine. 

(As will you.)

The time is near -

I have carried your heart with me for far too long.

I am drowning in my suffering.

A heavy heart, and even heavier cogitation.

I have developed an appetite for clarity,

that only subtraction of sentiment will bring.

My fear has made anchor inside of me,

but is one in the same with what will free me from this relentless pain.

I am not yet ready, 

but soon will be needing to say my goodbyes.

I will miss you endlessly.

I am

sorry

this is the road 

needed to take 

to forget 

you.

You are doing what is needed for you.

So you let me go.

This is my way of doing so,

this 

is 

for 

ME.

A Note To Self -

It is easy to feel insignificant when the individuals you love 

aren't able to communicate or connect with you in the way you need. 

And it is so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection of personal worth. 

But the truth is the way that others operate is NOT about you. 

Most individuals are so caught up in their own struggles and anxiety 

that the thought of asking someone else how they are doing

or even taking the time to truly care to know does not even cross their mind. 

This does not mean that they are inherently selfish or uncaring. 

They are merely busy and self- focused and that is okay.

It is not evidence of some fundamental failing on your end. 

This does not mean that you are unlovable or invisible to all. 

It just means that people are not very good at looking beyond their own world, 

but the fact that you are - that despite that darkness you feel, 

you have the ability to share your love and light with the world.

That is a strength. 

Your job isn't to alter who you are to appease anyone other than yourself. 

It is to find people to give you the connection you need. 

Because despite what you feel, 

despite how others have made you feel, 

you are not too much to handle. 

You are not too sensitive or too compassionate. 

You are thoughtful and empathetic to your surroundings. 

You are emotionally driven and have a kind heart. 

And you do not need anyone else's approval or affection 

to feel anything other than what you are. 

YOU ARE ENOUGH.