My Conclusion.

My conclusion being that

nothing

that I do or change

is or ever will be

good enough

for my own

approval. 

( *Realization, self-love and self respect are NOT the same. 

Sadly, it is possible to have one without the other.)

Sort Of Like A Journal Entry...

Lately I have been struggling with the notion of spiritual belief or what have you. 

Is it feasible to believe in one or more ideals 

that you equally believe to be the greater good of humanity?

We all need something to believe in, right?

Religion isn't necessarily my thing, don't get me wrong... 

The thought of something so perfect and so pure is a wonderful concept. 

Just not my cup of tea. 

I would like to think that there is such thing as something so powerful that it can mend my deepest troubles. 

Perhaps it's me. The simple fact that I cannot find it in me to fully believe in such things. 

Maybe I am the fucked up one.  

I can't help but feel that there is no way that I can ever lead myself

  to believe in something that brings any harm to this world. 

Religion is one of the major causes of not only discrimination, but blood shed. 

And I will never be okay with that. I do believe in something. 

Whether I want to admit to it or not. I do. 

I am not naive enough to say that there isn't something out there. 

I have been saved by whatever it is on multiple occasions when I was literally on my death bed in a hospital. 

Maybe it's a God, maybe it's all up to the stars. I don't know. I couldn't tell you. 

I have never seen them face to face and from what I hear I most likely never will.

 And that's one of the difficulties in this, they can't be seen you just have to put faith into them. 

Which for most of mankind is not an easy task. 

We want proof. Evidence. That's human nature. 

But sometimes you just need to put your faith in the unknown. 

Regardless, I do know that I am thankful for what they have done.

 With that being said I will relish in the idea of there being something greater than myself 

that can guide me onto the right path in life, possibly one day I will discover what that something has been. 

For now I am okay with not being completely sure. 

It's boring 

having all of 

the answers 

anyway.

In Shallow Waters, You Will Drown...

The idea of happiness and security, 

reflected through

an upper hand in society and the assets which one does possess.  

Beauty through a worthless sheet of glass. 

Allowing ourselves to be affected by the most minute things in life. 

An opinion, A number, a thought.

 We are monsters. 

And we not only the hosts, 

But the creators of these beasts in which we bare. 

So I must inquire-

After you have gotten 

what you wanted, 

Will that finally be enough

to give you what you need?

Wakeful, but not awake.

Vigilant mind.

Strung out on living.

What is sleep to those

 who can only thrive 

on thinking?

Remember To Breathe.

I have misplaced

 the remembrance 

of what's given 

to bubble up such chemistry- 

that atom bonding, euphoric trembling, 

Eye colliding, analogy at best.

That moment-time holding; 

all surroundings 

Fall mute, fall still. 

Lacking understanding 

of feeling,

or when...

Understanding too much 

of what you yourself and others 

lack

Causes chaos

in such 

Thinking. 

Breaking you 

away from

Feeling.

What's left 

to give

when you've

got nothing left?

At times I sense I am merely

An empty shell.

Time to refill this void.

They say that nothing is faster

 than the speed of light.

I beg to differ.

I swear to it 

that my mind 

has light 

beat.

It's that " not quite asphyxiating" feeling, but barely breathing.

It's hard to explain, but it's easy for just about anyone to understand. 

That happy and sad at once,

That ambitious yet lethargic approach on life.

Going places and going nowhere fast. 

Are we on the same page here? 

It's motivating and discouraging at the same damn time 

That's right about where I am standing. 

And frankly, I want the fuck away from here. 

There is so much that I want to do in this life. 

There are days I fear that perhaps there is just not enough 

time in this place for me to accomplish enough of it. 

This is not pessimism. This is honesty. And it is frightening. 

And as reluctant as I have been to admitting it,

 I am afraid.

But that's life. And this is mine. 

And I plan on making the best of it 

instead of sitting off to the side silently somewhere

 feeling sorry for myself as it just dwindles away. 

That's what most people who are in my position would do.

I am not most people.

Hopelessness 

is only hopelessness

if you have 

no 

hope. 

I was naive to believe

that there was even the slightest chance

that I could be the one that saves you.

I have come to rationalize, 

among other things, 

that  this has turned out to be 

quite the implausibility, 

and among other beliefs,

I believe that you are 

strong enough to save yourself.

________

It is disheartening that I am always the antidote for those in need, 

Yet I cannot even fucking cure myself. 

It's like this-

We may subsist in a corrupt world,

But in truth we are more toxic to ourselves.

FREE WILL WARPS INTUITION. 

Imprisonment.

If it is true 

that one only loses 

what it clings to...

Then I need to learn to be 

less attached 

to what is of 

most value

to me.

Fear of loss has me in chains.

Fear is a prison.

I CANNOT BE SET FREE HERE.

Let it go or you will never leave.

[This is harder than it may appear, I am afraid..Oh, wait.]

Oh, It's Nothing.

I have been thinking too much, and not writing enough.

Is it only but so strange that I would rather be alone than with someone that makes me feel as if I am?

Fear may hold me back from forming much of anything with anyone, 

but in a sense I would rather be 

okay with the fear I possess than 

living unhappily.

There was a time where I would have considered myself 

lost. 

You do not understand. 

I am not asking you to.

And in essence is one ever truly lost if they aren't looking to be found? 

Though more frequently I have been picking up the pieces 

attempting at best to reformat my being.

I will feel whole once more. 

I have been attending therapy. 

I have been coming out of my shell slightly more. 

I have been opening up to myself more. 

I have been 

accepting 

more.

Which is the first step to self recovery, more or less self discovery. 

I was never lost. I was in hiding.

From who I was, who I didn't want to know.

I have been scratching and crawling at the lining of of these walls I have built. 

It's nice to finally breathe again. 

Less analyzation. 

You can't use Novocain on feeling 

which I believe

has been based off of nothing and this is all nothingness. 

It's okay, you are fucking human. 

Shadows are merely shadows; 

Mirrors simply reflect. 

Don't drown in the confusion, 

suffocation will only bring you back to 

where you started. 

When you feel 

dead 

to yourself, 

you will feel 

dead 

to the 

world.

Relative To Existence.

As unfortunate as it is,

Pain makes people change.

And that's about 

it.

Awaken Your Fucking Senses

We need to

SLOW DOWN,

and quit worrying about our  personal lives for a god damn second. 

We need to awaken our senses to what is happening right in front of us.

 DO NOT TAKE THIS LIGHTLY.

It is sickening how barbaric we have become. 

Our generation is crumbling. And we are allowing it to happen.

It's due to the fact we are so vastly influenced by the media, there is no innocence in this. 

We are not blind to this, we are vividly aware of all of the damage being done. 

Your act isn't fooling anyone.

Turn on the radio, listen. 

Turn on your expensive high definition television, tell me this isn't complete filth they are glamorizing. 

Such asinine behavior, material garbage 

that masses of kids world wide soak up like a sponge every second we let it go. 

Yes, we. We are all to blame until we choose to act on change.

And sadly, that isn't all that is bringing our world to shambles. 

It is the food industry, it is the lack of education given to our students.

It is the news broadcasts, it is the political insanity… 

Any and everything that we can get our hands on is being defiled with countless lies.

And because mankind is at fault for the way things are, 

it is also mankind's obligation to turn things around.

We are in dire need of forming a more efficient and beneficial world to live in. 

GET WITH IT AMERICA. 

And wake the fuck up, society.

It's funny when you are incapable of mobility 

How you get the sudden urge to run the 10k.

It's 5:43am, I am sleepless, 

I wish I were anywhere but in this hospital bed. 

There are several wires hooked up to me

 that I have no idea what for. (and are a nuisance might I add!)

Also, I resemble a prototype for a robot. 

Not so sure if I can take 3-4 days of this nonsense.

The machine might read that I have a weak heart, but my will to get better has never been so strong. 

As soon as I am discharged from this place, 

you better bet I am going to take advantage of 

every moment I am alive,

Luck struck me this time, or perhaps good karma.

Regardless, from now on...

Every single

fucking breath

counts.

Word Of The Day...

Entelechy: 

A realization or actuality as opposed to a potentiality.

Just because something has a potential "good" 

does 

not 

mean that anything

good 

will come from 

it.

I Am Not Other People

It is much too simple to get tangled in others anxiety and discontentment. 

What they worry over, I begin to worry over too.

What they expect out of themselves, I begin expect out of myself.

Their dreams formulate into my worst nightmare.

And this all happens by caring about others too much,

and not enough about myself.

There is nothing more fulfilling than pouring benevolence

into someone's life when they need it the most.

The only hindrance with giving someone 

all

you have

is that 

you end up 

with 

nothing

left.

I AM

NOT

OTHER PEOPLE.

Shortly after 3AM

HOLY FUCKING HUFFLEPUFF,

Pottermore finally streamed live 

and 

surprisingly, yet not so surprisingly at all 

I was awake for it!

Oh, how I love Harry Potter! 

^ And this is awesome.

Time for bed, 

I think I have hit my limit 

of lack of it.

I will update tomorrow. 

Good Night.

EDIT: Just was granted early admission, fuck with that.

Hemorrhage of Perception

There are days 

 I want to sleep away this anamnesis 

Expunge any trace I was here.

Days like today when memories matter...

A matter of fact, fiction, or theory,

 They really don't matter at all.

No doubt that this place is god damn beautiful.

But people reside here too. 

And that displaces right much 

In the syntax of how things are said and done. 

I am beginning to retain hate like water,

A drought of feeling doesn't sound half bad.

I am

determined to be okay

- With humanity.

Building better things 

from knowledge.

And taking advantage of 

This life previously lived.

I sense that living in the "now" 

Is a thing of the past.

Perhaps,

Similar to drive in movies 

And ten cent stores.

You can talk yourself out of anything,

but you can't talk yourself out of being 

YOU.

Time isn't a broken clock, I am afraid

dead batteries won't stop it here.

I will dive into this ocean of moments 

Back and forward.

Hoping not to 

drown myself 

in the 

process. 

Note To Self

Sometimes,

 I let my anger get the best of me.

But self reflection is rarely a bad thing.

Submerging myself into the fear of feeling,

Only gets me feeling worse.

As they say,

It takes

A

Lifetime 

to learn how to

Live.

Forgive and Forget

I forgive you

 For being such a jackass

Due to the fact you had no idea what 

You were even speaking of.

I have a past, a present, and a future 

As does everyone else. 

Frankly, it does not concern you.

And I do not care to hear

 If you think it does or ever did.

This negative energy you supply consumes me.

Eats me alive.

That's why I fuss and fight and pull away.

I will not,

I do not pity you.

However, I will forgive your ignorance.

 Seriously though, fuck you.

Moral Sentiments

I wish more people cared about 

EARTH

as much as they cared about 

WHO

They believe created it.

Put your fucking gun down.

Up in arms over religion.

And in combat for peace.

The omniscient unknowing.

Refusing to admit that they don't even have 

The answers that they push on everyone else.

Trying to disprove

What they haven't even

Fully disproved themselves.

Irony or Ignorance?

You be the judge,

Oh wait.