Maybe-

I truthfully do wish you well,

and someday and sometime

over time, after a lot of time

maybe then you will wake up

maybe then you will become conscious of 

this//that //and everything// in between

you were never abandoned

for I could never

and at one time or another

from time to time

here and there

you existed here, with me

and I once existed next to

as well as |with you|

I always was, that never faltered

{through out it all}

for it was the best of times,

and it was the worst of times

be still my heart (for I was still yours)

how you were never alone

I was always there, even when you disappeared

that is love

that was real

rediscover your identity 

maybe someday and sometime

we will meet again

Thought of the day-

Tragedies
will always be found
in the things we love the most.
We didn't ask for this,
but all good things
must come to an end.

I don't want this-

It's hard for me to believe that I ever loved you when you make me feel this low.
I want to hate you so badly.
Part of me doesn't want your kindness.
( it wouldn't be true )
I do not desire to have this pain masked by false love.
The truth hurts, but at least that truth is real.

Burn :

6am and trembling,
Apprehension rattles inside of me.

Blank stares in the pitch black,
this silence is pitch perfect
for these inconsolable moments.

I quiver; I shake.
This will not break me.
You cannot not break me.
[this time.]

It'll devour me if I allow it.
Words are worthless.
Thoughts are apocalyptic.
This isn't worth it.
Not in the slightest.

It is time I renounce my insecurities.
Smoke and mirrors, caught up in adversity.
Wrecking havoc within me,
this is no longer quite a catastrophe.

Cerebration is escaping me,
trickling down my cheeks.
I am spilling my heart out everywhere,
- with nothing to collect it in.

All the while in the distant future
continuing to calibrate the moments in between
Nothing will differ,
for you've always been less about living
and more about harvesting the lonely.

*When there is nothing left to burn,
set yourself on fire.

Perseverance -

Farewell -

Never ceasing to search for some sort of sign or reason.

Amaurosis is setting in.

Am I doing this involuntarily 

or 

Do I simply feel obliged

>> ? <<

I have no answer for that.

__.I must vacate.__

Love can build you 

and

Love will break you.

Take note (of) :

 Who helps fill the void 
and

Who causes it.

The consistency is not here.

I cannot be the deciding factor.

I know this now.

Do not settle. 

You deserve the cosmos 

and 

all of the stars in the fucking sky.

Love is not a game of hot and cold.

Sorry does not always cut it.

Meaningless excuses,

Rationality of cruelty

||Remember to love yourself too.||

...

This is nothing more than white noise

distorting the clear picture.

That, that is not love. 

[You should not have to be destroyed to be built up.]

I have been through hell and back.

I would do it all again.

Because you are worth it. 

To me you were always worth it.

And now I know first hand.

No matter how much you feel,

No matter how much you try,

You cannot put in the effort of two separate individuals 

e*x*p*e*c*t*i*n*g

to feel equitably satisfied.

I need to open myself up to someone who levels me out. 

Someone who wants me to feel loved as I the same for them.

I sense that I am being reasonable, 

but correct me if I am wrong.

** Relationships require tedious work
 Patience and maintenance. 

Only the foolish think otherwise.

It is fundamentally necessary to accept this notion.

I can not wait for you to awaken.

Sadly,
that day will never come.

Your eyes are glued shut.

I don't have time to pick out the glue.

Patience is a virtue.
Nothing worth having comes easy.

You let me go.

You set me free.

I 

WAS

WORTH 

FIGHTING

FOR.
&
One
day
you
will
realize
this
too.

                                                                      

In a state of
ambivalence.

In bloom -

Wildflowers 

continue to blossom 

even after 

they are trudged upon.

Mary my words,

As 

will 

I. 

Love is real -

Your cynicism is justified.

I am inordinately attentive to how you feel.

and

I realize how apprehensive you must be.

I am aware of how deception has latched onto your heart.

{Thus, you could not possibly understand.}

I am fully aware of how oppressive you must feel

to be in such a harsh world like this.

Your cynicism is justified.

I want so much for you.

-just like-

I want so much for me too.

I want to believe in infatuation.

I want to believe in coincidence, 

along side, 

endless euphoria.

I never wanted this.

I am giving up. 

I am giving in.

I am walking away.

Thought & feeling 

shouldn't be this exasperating. 

Right? Or should it be an endless effort?

I can't.

The only thing I am fully certain of is uncertainty itself.

I 

need 

to 

just 

stop.

Could it be that simple?

To just give up on love

...

You were never temporary to me.

You are not temporary, 

I hope that no one ever makes you feel that way.

I wanted you to stay.

You are just so far out of reach...

Now, I have to go.

[My kind heart 

and boundless love 

instilled fear in you 

when it should have 

been instilling faith.]

My love knows no bounds.

God,

I just wish 

you would 

have 

stayed.

But I don't want to-

Every thought,

every feeling

atrophying 

until I

finally just

forget.

I will consign to oblivion-

I want to numb it all out.

The potency of this self-made 

mental blockade of an anesthetic 

couldn't possibly

expunge this magnitude of pain 

I cannot stop this tremoring.

Such turbulence

rupturing inside

this cage of body I own.

.....

These memories,

these emotions,

these years.

They cannot exist anymore.

I need to forget.

I need to forget you.

I cannot breathe here -

Anxiety

 is 

             an 

anchor 

                  sitting 

           in 

    my 

              lungs.

            ...

Stage One: Open your eyes

It is quite a paradox 

how artistic we become 

when are hearts our mangled and decayed.

I was always too blind to see 

that

you were deaf to hear me.

...

The hardest thing I will ever do,

is knowing that I have to walk away.

all the while

loving

>>>YOU.<<<

Disassemble Here :

I am exposed like an open wound.

{Exquisitely sensitive.}

They say absence makes the heart grow founder,

I tend to disagree.

Absence makes it so much easier 

to not give a fuck about someone.

Estrangement is that thread of skin 

s.l.o.w.l.y.
detaching itself 

          a

           w

             a

              y

from the

 R|A|W 

and open flesh.

A big part of me 

never wants to heal.

I am glass

I woke up this morning 

and I just did not feel the same.

Is it possible to stop loving someone over night?

Is this the reality of things 

or is this subconsciously involuntary?

Was I forcing myself to love them 

or the opposite of that?

Is it best for me 

to surrender to this notion?

Is it best for me 

to pretend this never took place?

Observing from afar, 

but not so far away at all,

YOU have been doing all of which I have listed.

Why do I care?

What does it matter?

Where do I go from here?

Is this the end?

I am being bombarded with such reservation

by thy self that I cannot even answer fully myself.

Where to go,

What to do,

How to feel

...

I do not know.

Silence vs Noise

There is liability in silence.
Silence can be stolen and manipulated.
Morphed perception, false reality.
Someone else's sentiments and speculation.
I am not a theoretical being.
Allow me to articulate who and what I am.
Do not in the slightest compose my story for me.
I am taking back my power.
This life is my own.
You
   have
      no
         place
                HERE.