Words vs Actions -

The consistency

 between spoken word 

vs

taking action 

are what make 

those actions valid.

Think before you speak;

speak before you act.

And most significantly,

make sure they align themselves.

Expression of self, affection, intuition.

Equalized.

Consistency & communication 

are the 

same 

fucking 

thing.

*

Are you willing?

Solitude 

only sounds appealing

because there is lack of risk involved.

COMPLETE REFUGE.

The consistency of doing whatever the hell you want,

whenever the hell when you want to do it.

I think that there is some type of security in that.

Even so, no human being 

with a healthy sense of self 

wants that long term.

It's a safety mechanism 

for existence, for "living."

Protection from:

 disappointment & heartache

A safeguard 

against finding resolution

 difficult decisions

Possible life alterations.

The "unknown" factor involved.

F|E|A|R is your keeper now.

Engulfed with that notion,

knowing that 

[no] one person exists

that can fix yourself for  

you.

[but you]

The (un)fortunate reality that

no person has the ability

to fill up our empty gaps,

- to make us whole.

We must discover 

internal autonomy.

This is an absolute necessity.

Survival at best.

Running away 

-to another city;

Running away

-into someone else's arms.

Nothing can save you.

There is no escape.

This bitter truth 

is that IS the reality

you continue to disregard

meaning that you must be willing 

to face

it.

Are

you

willing?

Always attempting to elude 

(your demons)

*the longer you refuse to accept  

you 

created them.

They 

will haunt you 

::::000987::::

:::654:::

::32::

:1:

;;; endlessly,

This 

is 

your 

only 

option.

Sooner 

or 

Later

-you will.

Oblivion :

I breathe poetry,
these lungs of mine
they were made for this.

Keep your voice still;
Keep your heart roaring.

Be patient with your pain,
just like the coming & goings
of the tangible fragments of existence,
All of which are inevitable to cross
...

" This too shall pass. "

Jaded Just Doesn't Cover It-

I woke up with a cataclysm of thoughts 

flowing through my head. 

 A torrential downpour.

Immobilized with emotion, 

all of which 

I constantly 

[attempt to] 

force myself 

not 

to feel.

Jaded,

to all things relevant.

Consumed,

by all things habitual.

Ascertaining the authenticity of my worth.

[Unnecessary is an understatement.]

There is a distinct difference between 

allowing something to go unnoticed

and 

seeing the value of something and looking past it.

*On that note,

Where do I stand?   

A Piece Of Advice:

Do everything lightly,
even when you are feeling (so) deeply.

I feel it all at once-

I feel it.
All at once.
A moment suspended in time.
Waking up, emptiness absorbs everything within me.
This is it.
Everything conveys the impression of such finalization.
What am I doing, and more peculiarly, why?
I need answers. Ignorance is no longer bliss.
Happiness was never about you, us, or the then, or the now.
It is so much more, but far much less than you would attempt to devise.
Why am I thinking these thoughts?
What's the significance of even typing them out?
A meaningless rant...
Am I babbling nonsense?
You tell me. You answer me that.
You are not my enemy, you never were.
Truth be told, you are far from what most of the time I mentally made you out to be.
I was my own worst enemy, I always was.
There was never going to be some grand reward for who played the role of that ideal being "best."
You cannot win.
You can not lose.
Pride will mercilessly steal your love,
and within a matter of seconds torch it to the fucking ground.
(if you allow it)
Pride ruins things, everything.
Truth and facts are woven as one.
You just have to want to see that for yourself.
You have to want to wake up.
When you've been hurt enough,
you begin to irritate the existing wounds [with intention.]
If you don't give yourself time to heal, you will always hurt.
Lesson learned.
I feel it...
All at once.
A moment suspended for eternity.
Dormant sentiment flows through me with fluidity.
What's next when you cannot help but to be emotionally paralyzed?

Despair;Spare me -

Fear and indecision,

inconsolable.

Raw emotion.

Disconnected nothingness.

I am 

{HERE}

Now.

Acceptance is key -

Life is a massive crusade 

for our most uncorrupted selves.

As if anything has ever been left untainted.

We can only fool ourselves for but so long.

Acceptance is key.

And 

It has

Always

Been this

Way.
[Wake up.]

^

You are the light-

This world-
demoralized & bitter.
Lost souls searching for themselves
within the bounds of someone else.

Consigned to oblivion,
hope has been a repressed matter.
All of which seems to no longer matter.
I have lost sight of my own being.
I have fallen victim of this, most of us have.
Sorrow takes over.
Mourning our former self,
 rarely loving the current.

Awaken your mind,
You are not like them.
(You are not them)
Stop pretending
to aspire to be
so bitter; so cold.

It is okay to have a heavy heart
Strive
to lighten
the darkness
which surrounds you.

(For you are the light.)

Thoughts

Asphyxiated by my own breath.
I've become more self aware as of late.
Realizing and rationalizing the reality of what is.
There will be days that you will be as sad as the thoughts you hate.
There will be days when you will need to allow yourself to endure the pain.
Let it hurt. Let it ache. Let it go.

Do you understand?

Perplexity is 

being unable to find 

the most applicable set of words

to fully describe 

an emotion 

or set of thoughts

All of which 

simultaneously is 

superfluously housing itself 

inside of you.

I cannot make sense, 

but it makes so much sense.

{Do not feed the parasites,

for your mind is the host .}

 

Acceptance of self -

Acceptance is a choice. 
Hatred is a choice.
Happiness is a choice.
Acceptance will lead to happiness,
Hatred never will.

This life is my own.
This skin, these bones.
My choice, my thoughts.
My battles, my wars.
My past.
And I choose to forgive, to accept.

Existence is not an equation -

Existence is not an equation.

I am not at all familiarized 

with the fear of feeling.

For oceans exist inside of me.

I refuse to drain my reservoirs

like open veins

for those who cannot 

contain the same.

Those who choose to live anything but fully,

frankly that is none of my concern.

I exist - wild & free, 

there is nothing moderate about me.

I am versification,

a human poem.

Beyond all things

{in fact much more} 

Existence 

is not 

an equation,

and I 

am not 

your formula.

Passing thoughts, this too shall pass-

My feelings
keep me awake at night, most nights

Being able to analyze
your inner agony
is a dire necessity

Sadness leaks from my eyelids
Sleep is my refuge

To esacape, to be able to escape

Into a place without such weight 

falling upon you every second
until you wake

What a beautiful thing it must be,

To close your eyes

Without such thoughts

Of never waking up

*****

Talk is cheap-

I have 

 A whole
     other universe
hiding inside
    my trembling limbs

A galaxy living upon my lips
      Solar systems dancing
inside my wild
       untamed hair

poems exist
       inside my veins

 Words are what 
     My skin is 
Really 
     made of.

This talk

of  flesh

     ...

  It  

    is

       all

          just

                so 

       temporary. 

Mourning-

It's peculiar how losing someone of great significance 

can cause your entire world to fall apart.

As if everything now exists in a hollow black hole.

This is my life right now. This is how I feel.

A sense of emptiness sweeping over me.

Sadness like waves crashing against the ocean shore. 

I have never felt more broken.

At least if I had seen this coming,

at least if I had known...

Then I would have been able to prep myself for this.

It wouldn't have happened all at once.

But here I am, my heart is in ruins. 

I miss you. And that will never stop.

* We all loved you more than life itself
you were part of our little family,
you will never be forgotten.
This love we carry for you will always remain.
You are in a better place now. xo

Fragmentation -

I am broken fragments 

of a thousand distant things.

A human tessellation.

Love lets the light in, 

I shut it out.

[Intent directed.]

People, places, things 

have evoked this despondency. 

You are a common noun , 

there is nothing proper about you. 

What paradox is this?

You never 

completely feel 

somethings presence 

until it no longer exists

The darkness you once swore 

e|n|g|u|l|f|e|d you

illuminates brighter 

than any feeling 

ever possibly could

I fear,

I feel

Magic belongs here

I write because you exist 

You are an echo

& I paint with words

My heart is an empty book

these bones are an empty shell

Unspoken vibrations

breakdown my hold.

This grasp loosens,

my world shakes

along with my voice.

The little things add up -

At one point in time

I was okay

with complete acclimation of being

swallowed up by anxiety.

Life can be unyielding,

more commonly than not

leaking hints of despair. 

Observing things for what they are,

for what they potentially could be.

I advise you 

[I advise myself]

to let the light in.

to let the darkness out.

Soon these sorrow felt nights

will be less a thing of the present,

and more so of the past.

If you can love me:

-when I am broken

-when I am bitter 

-when I am sad

-when I don't want to awaken to the morning 

with the sensation of the sun 

cascading across my back.

If you don't desert me then,

you will deserve me  in the "now."

I was a storm -

I was a storm when you met me.
Bolts of fire igniting my soul,
Chaos rattling inside my bones.
I was afraid of you building up walls
to keep my whirlwinds of devastation out.

I have always felt difficult to love.
Unworthy of  ______________.

I see things differently now.
You know how to love [me.]
When I am sad
When I am imperfect & unhinged
When I hurt & when I hate.

You unveiled to me that the moon too
possesses a side of darkness that goes unseen.
Nothing can be luminous all of the time.

I cannot explain it,
but you illuminate
lifetimes within me.

I can finally empty out
this graveyard of memories
I have built inside my head.
I can clean out these cobwebs,
lay these negative reflections to rest.

You were a storm when I met you.
Bolts of fire igniting inside of your head,
Chaos rattling inside of your bones.
I do not fear these tornadoes
living inside of your soul.

d.g.h.

Letting go:

Discontinuing relations with one another

is a lot like rekindling an old love you never knew existed.

Not until your eyes meet theirs and the sound of their voice

makes you feel grateful to even be alive.

And in reality, 

that is exactly what happened.

So,

thank you.

Inhale, Exhale. -

Inhale.
Feelings run freely like oceans & cosmic showers.
I do not expect you to hold yourself together.
I do not expect me to hold myself together.
Moments are now fractured
and memories are meaningless.
Pull yourself together.
(internally I speak)
Exhale.

It is what it is -

You need to let go of so much 

so you can be happy again. 

Wake up:

Sleep can't fix this.

What will it take? -

You could be so much more
than you are willing to be.
Take a walk outside of
your comfort zone.

Jasmine green tea and leftover thoughts -

I think that it is imperative
to be aware of the fact
you can miss something greatly,
but not want it back.

Destruction holds its own -

Entwined within
the conceptualization
and commencement of
the formation of
malevolence
(self) discovery
somehow leading to
the root of
malevolence
only to destroy it.

Human Poetry-

You are a work of art.

No one could possibly love you more.
Even on what you consider to be your worst of days
I still am able to find poetry in the tone of your voice,
within your untamed hair, your 5 o'clock shadow,
and the way you accentuate my name.

In every glance I take you in with my eyes,
you pour yourself into me
and I
cannot
help
but
smile.

Symbiosis :

We define the process of symbiosis.

Formulated science.

The index of your character,

rationality behind the uncontrollable forces.

Magnetic, chemistry. (we have)

Illumination. Hollow night skies.

You are the moon.

Production of light does not flow from you.

Reflection of the sun, reflection of feeling.

We are a phenomenon.

Seared together by time and space, aligned.

Love like light, caught within delirium. 

Don't fight this,them, or even inner consciousness.

Fighting fire with fire gives you ashes.

{You could fight, but you can't win.}

Here and now.

The choice is yours

...

The only thing hindering you is you. -

The rejection of romance, 

the attributes it entails,

the mechanical thinker, 

the avert of emotion -

Idealistic and impracticality, 

We do not belong here.

How one may feel -

a life omitting the potentiality of love

would be far more favorable & composed.

Lacking hindrance, unconstrained.

{Happiness is ?}

Could you envision

"life" with the absence of air?

Implausible,

unless artificial 

- wouldn't that be the outcome?

.......

Quality of life would diminish 

-if not end entirely.

Survival would be a possibility

-but unlikely.

The body,

nothing more,
a bag of bones,

s
 i
  n
   k
    i
     n
      g
into a :
|s|t|a|t|e|
(of) deterioration.

Air is vital to the lungs,

& vital to continuance

|existence itself.|

No air, no life.

>> Equivalent to ones survival. :

A life without love, 

it wouldn't be much of one at all.

Revisions in progress :

In retrospect, 

I was the one who formed 

such a misguided state of subsistence 

||to think|| :

nothing before 

(or) after you.

How did we get here?

& why?

Time equalizes everything.

Such a lapse in "time"

but never an oversight 

//of what could have been.

I want to know love

without the fear of falling.

I[t] 

will 

devour 

you 

whole

if 

you

let

(it)

me.

&;& We are one in the same

What aperture is this?

The inevitability of transition,

the purpose of time.

Caught within this entanglement 

known better as my thoughts. 

No longer static, 

but not wanting to alter a thing.

!Wake up >>>

Locate your head, 

organize what you find here.

This is your most current state of indifference 

When / what / why / how / where now ...?

 << anywhere >> 

sounds better on the tip of tongue,

on the edge of my thoughts.

SURRENDER ALL FEAR.

( Have some sort of faith, 

patch up the aperture,

hold onto your chest,

so your heart can't escape

and fall onto the floor. )

* REMEMBER :

You deserve good things.

This life is now one of them.

Quantum Physics.

I feel the reaction of & due to emotion is a learned objective.
What one does not discern, one does not attempt to do so.
It only matters if it matters, right?
...
And it doesn't matter if you are uninformed,
>> therefore the less you know, the better.
You cannot miss something you have never known. <<

My mind is an ocean -

Engulfed in this consciousness.
\\What is?// &\\What isn't//
The unknown is unnerving,
but we exist here.

Gasping for air.

Struggling to catch my breathe,

struggling to stay (feeling) alive.

Is this worth drowning for?

You can't always wait for someone to save you,

sometimes you have to be the one to save yourself.
Or maybe you never needed saving,
love (& loathing) is a :
funny/fickle/magical
& disastrously beautiful thing. <<

Bits & Pieces :

I. 

I will never forget the first time you told me that you loved me.

We were intoxicated with alcohol, we were drunk on each other. 

This night in particular, you were continuously flaunting how lucky you were to have found me.

You were proud of me, I was honored to be yours. 

I was uncertain of how I felt, 

but I knew that I would never feel the same ever again.

My heart melted on the floor boards beneath my feet.

I was yours, and you were mine.

II. 

Prior to us living together, 

I would stay at your house more frequent than not.

I could never get enough of you, the feeling was mutual. 

/I could feel it in my bones./

On the drive back to my residence, 

after stopping for shitty overly sweetened iced coffee...

After ever so passionately locking lips at every red light, every stop sign.

You revealed to me that you had somewhere momentous 

you wanted me to experience first hand, with you.

We ended up at the flood wall downtown hidden in the heart of the city.

Awestruck and mesmerized, some of the most astounding street art 

I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing.

In this moment, time stood still.

I cannot quite explain it,

but you made me feel like the most glorious girl in the entire fucking galaxy.

I felt blessed to be in your presence.

I internally kept whispering to myself, I will never forget this. 

(and I never did.)

III.

Sexual endeavors were our forte.

Whether it be sultry and delectable,

Whether it be slow and sensual,

Whether it be rough an passion filled.

My body entwined with yours,

My mind hypnotized by yours,

We were one.

And I was overjoyed.

IV.

I was a handful, 

you loved me anyways.

You found beauty in my flaws,

I accepted this notion for what was.

,,,

For I found beauty in yours too.

I never felt more beautiful 

than when you would profoundly stare into my eyes 

It was as if the world had stopped just for us and us alone,

I would give anything to just experience the sensation 

of such sweet desire a few seconds longer.

V.

Bits and pieces,

fragments of my heart.

A piece of you will always remain within me.

I can only hope the same goes for you.

Until then -

Maybe one day 

(you and I)

will find a moment in time 

where we can be |one| again. 

Happy again. 

Healthy again. 

Head over heels, 

butterflies rattling against our ribs, 

refreshed and aroused, again

together;as one,

again. 

Maybe 

(we) will ingest the same breath 

and expel it out just the same. 

Maybe

(we) will possess

the emotional capacity,

the acknowledgement,

of each others 'ins and outs' 

without picking at each others wounds. 

Maybe

(we) will welcome change,

and accept it just as that. 

-Without withdrawal.-

Maybe,

(you and I) will collide, 

maybe one day I won't need to miss you like I do

.

..

...

No loss, No distance

Until then, 

you will remain lost in the folds between

my thoughts 

& sentiments. 

Until then, 

I will miss you endlessly.

Until then, 

maybe.

Maybe-

I truthfully do wish you well,

and someday and sometime

over time, after a lot of time

maybe then you will wake up

maybe then you will become conscious of 

this//that //and everything// in between

you were never abandoned

for I could never

and at one time or another

from time to time

here and there

you existed here, with me

and I once existed next to

as well as |with you|

I always was, that never faltered

{through out it all}

for it was the best of times,

and it was the worst of times

be still my heart (for I was still yours)

how you were never alone

I was always there, even when you disappeared

that is love

that was real

rediscover your identity 

maybe someday and sometime

we will meet again

Thought of the day-

Tragedies
will always be found
in the things we love the most.
We didn't ask for this,
but all good things
must come to an end.

I don't want this-

It's hard for me to believe that I ever loved you when you make me feel this low.
I want to hate you so badly.
Part of me doesn't want your kindness.
( it wouldn't be true )
I do not desire to have this pain masked by false love.
The truth hurts, but at least that truth is real.

Burn :

6am and trembling,
Apprehension rattles inside of me.

Blank stares in the pitch black,
this silence is pitch perfect
for these inconsolable moments.

I quiver; I shake.
This will not break me.
You cannot not break me.
[this time.]

It'll devour me if I allow it.
Words are worthless.
Thoughts are apocalyptic.
This isn't worth it.
Not in the slightest.

It is time I renounce my insecurities.
Smoke and mirrors, caught up in adversity.
Wrecking havoc within me,
this is no longer quite a catastrophe.

Cerebration is escaping me,
trickling down my cheeks.
I am spilling my heart out everywhere,
- with nothing to collect it in.

All the while in the distant future
continuing to calibrate the moments in between
Nothing will differ,
for you've always been less about living
and more about harvesting the lonely.

*When there is nothing left to burn,
set yourself on fire.

Perseverance -

Farewell -

Never ceasing to search for some sort of sign or reason.

Amaurosis is setting in.

Am I doing this involuntarily 

or 

Do I simply feel obliged

>> ? <<

I have no answer for that.

__.I must vacate.__

Love can build you 

and

Love will break you.

Take note (of) :

 Who helps fill the void 
and

Who causes it.

The consistency is not here.

I cannot be the deciding factor.

I know this now.

Do not settle. 

You deserve the cosmos 

and 

all of the stars in the fucking sky.

Love is not a game of hot and cold.

Sorry does not always cut it.

Meaningless excuses,

Rationality of cruelty

||Remember to love yourself too.||

...

This is nothing more than white noise

distorting the clear picture.

That, that is not love. 

[You should not have to be destroyed to be built up.]

I have been through hell and back.

I would do it all again.

Because you are worth it. 

To me you were always worth it.

And now I know first hand.

No matter how much you feel,

No matter how much you try,

You cannot put in the effort of two separate individuals 

e*x*p*e*c*t*i*n*g

to feel equitably satisfied.

I need to open myself up to someone who levels me out. 

Someone who wants me to feel loved as I the same for them.

I sense that I am being reasonable, 

but correct me if I am wrong.

** Relationships require tedious work
 Patience and maintenance. 

Only the foolish think otherwise.

It is fundamentally necessary to accept this notion.

I can not wait for you to awaken.

Sadly,
that day will never come.

Your eyes are glued shut.

I don't have time to pick out the glue.

Patience is a virtue.
Nothing worth having comes easy.

You let me go.

You set me free.

I 

WAS

WORTH 

FIGHTING

FOR.
&
One
day
you
will
realize
this
too.

                                                                      

In a state of
ambivalence.

In bloom -

Wildflowers 

continue to blossom 

even after 

they are trudged upon.

Mary my words,

As 

will 

I. 

Love is real -

Your cynicism is justified.

I am inordinately attentive to how you feel.

and

I realize how apprehensive you must be.

I am aware of how deception has latched onto your heart.

{Thus, you could not possibly understand.}

I am fully aware of how oppressive you must feel

to be in such a harsh world like this.

Your cynicism is justified.

I want so much for you.

-just like-

I want so much for me too.

I want to believe in infatuation.

I want to believe in coincidence, 

along side, 

endless euphoria.

I never wanted this.

I am giving up. 

I am giving in.

I am walking away.

Thought & feeling 

shouldn't be this exasperating. 

Right? Or should it be an endless effort?

I can't.

The only thing I am fully certain of is uncertainty itself.

I 

need 

to 

just 

stop.

Could it be that simple?

To just give up on love

...

You were never temporary to me.

You are not temporary, 

I hope that no one ever makes you feel that way.

I wanted you to stay.

You are just so far out of reach...

Now, I have to go.

[My kind heart 

and boundless love 

instilled fear in you 

when it should have 

been instilling faith.]

My love knows no bounds.

God,

I just wish 

you would 

have 

stayed.

But I don't want to-

Every thought,

every feeling

atrophying 

until I

finally just

forget.

I will consign to oblivion-

I want to numb it all out.

The potency of this self-made 

mental blockade of an anesthetic 

couldn't possibly

expunge this magnitude of pain 

I cannot stop this tremoring.

Such turbulence

rupturing inside

this cage of body I own.

.....

These memories,

these emotions,

these years.

They cannot exist anymore.

I need to forget.

I need to forget you.

I cannot breathe here -

Anxiety

 is 

             an 

anchor 

                  sitting 

           in 

    my 

              lungs.

            ...

Stage One: Open your eyes

It is quite a paradox 

how artistic we become 

when are hearts our mangled and decayed.

I was always too blind to see 

that

you were deaf to hear me.

...

The hardest thing I will ever do,

is knowing that I have to walk away.

all the while

loving

>>>YOU.<<<

Disassemble Here :

I am exposed like an open wound.

{Exquisitely sensitive.}

They say absence makes the heart grow founder,

I tend to disagree.

Absence makes it so much easier 

to not give a fuck about someone.

Estrangement is that thread of skin 

s.l.o.w.l.y.
detaching itself 

          a

           w

             a

              y

from the

 R|A|W 

and open flesh.

A big part of me 

never wants to heal.

I am glass

I woke up this morning 

and I just did not feel the same.

Is it possible to stop loving someone over night?

Is this the reality of things 

or is this subconsciously involuntary?

Was I forcing myself to love them 

or the opposite of that?

Is it best for me 

to surrender to this notion?

Is it best for me 

to pretend this never took place?

Observing from afar, 

but not so far away at all,

YOU have been doing all of which I have listed.

Why do I care?

What does it matter?

Where do I go from here?

Is this the end?

I am being bombarded with such reservation

by thy self that I cannot even answer fully myself.

Where to go,

What to do,

How to feel

...

I do not know.

Silence vs Noise

There is liability in silence.
Silence can be stolen and manipulated.
Morphed perception, false reality.
Someone else's sentiments and speculation.
I am not a theoretical being.
Allow me to articulate who and what I am.
Do not in the slightest compose my story for me.
I am taking back my power.
This life is my own.
You
   have
      no
         place
                HERE.

My Mind Is An Ocean

This morning I brewed a cup of well deserved tea.

[No sugar. Not allowed.]

Lost in mental chaos,

a rust like ring formed around my cup from my now overly black tea.

I sat there,silence rattling my thoughts.

Entrancement. 

My tea,now lukewarm and bitter...

This must be a metaphor for my life. 

/mediocrity does not belong here/

Overwhelmed by a sense of nausea

 that even the thought of breathing intensified 

Hopelessness has stuck to me like tar.

Not a single fucking thing has brought me an ounce of relief.

I fear so much.

 I feel too much.

Every night this week is the same ordeal. 

Crying silent tears into my pillow case.

Outbursts of tears while I shower, drowning out the sound.

Nobody knows, nobody cares.

(I am so lost)

 And nobody could possibly correlate to this sentiment.

I am sick and tired of trying. 

I am sick and tired of caring.

Exhaustion will eat me alive.

I have poured myself into so much.

I have nothing left.

Emptiness is my common ground. 

This is my "normal."

Apologies have lost their value.

Love has lost its power. 

Hope has lost it's place.

Fear is now my comfort zone 

and frankly that makes my bones quiver. 

I need to vent, but trust is not available.

I need to wallow in this. 

I need to walk away.

I am making a final decision.

I am not giving the power I rightfully deserve.

I am more than a body, I am more than mere flesh.

I am more than a goddamned memory.

I am more than I give myself credit for. 

I am more.

I refuse to continue... 

This heartache, I caused myself. 

I brought me here. 

And I can lead my way home.

But,

Where the hell is home at this point?

Inside my own shell of a body 

I do not even feel welcome.

I am the only one suffering. 

And I am the only one at fault, 

So, I am making my final decision. 

I am choosing myself over my situation.

I am saving myself.

I COME FIRST.

I can no longer live in the past expecting to grow.

Expecting to flourish in in a desert.

I am going nowhere, I am getting nowhere. 

This is no longer worth it.

I cannot force my broken heart onto someone 

who wants nothing to do with it.

I need to regain my strength, 

my thoughts are just as cancerous as my reality. 

I am being unfair.

Because I fucking deserve more.

*Love was never supposed to hurt.

Love was never supposed to destroy me.*

It is time I place the limelight 

on my most important asset. 

ME.

Echo Inside My Head -

Move forward.

Those two words keep 

|e|c|h|o|i|n|g| 

inside of me.

I crave change like {sugar.}

Change means to move,

moving means my universe 

will continute to expand endlessly 

until I decide to find comfort in where I exist.

Change is terrifying, change will shake you up.

Regret is far more terrifying than change could ever be.

I will not fear change. 

I will revel in discomfort.

I never want comfort.
I once did, but I was once unwise .

I thrive for a life in which I never stop.

A life where I am never comfortable

 because I always yearn for more.

This is NOT a weakness.

This is a strength.

I do not need anyone to make me whole.

These empty gaps are mine, and mine alone.

I need to be the one to fill them in.

//However, I cannot do that here.

I have never been able to do that here.//

* This is goodbye to my old self.

This is hello to my new life.

Awareness.

Always the antidote, yet I cannot even cure myself. 

Bound.

Reality 

does not 

impress me.

Only in a euphoric state,  

Only in delirium.

And when the normality of  living 

bounds me down in its shackles...

I 

will  

escape.

One 

   way 

       or 

         another. 

[No 

more 

walls]

A letter to you

It would be implausible for me
to ever think I could forget you.
I cannot forget you.
Forgetting you would be like
forgetting a part of
who I am as a person.

IMPRACTICALITY.

I do however wish you well.
I wish you to come across
a friend as
unwavering
as I have
attempted to be
for
y.o.u.

And I wish you
to f
     i
       n
        d
a more harmonized
partner to share you life with.
You have a luminous future ahead of you.
I refuse to be what holds you back.
You deserve more.
You deserve radiance.

There is hope -

Only hope has the capability override fear. 

Give up bad habits, 

give up toxic people,

give up anything that does not lift you higher.

{Perseverance.}

Get out of this bleak atmosphere
in which you've been taking refuge in.

Look for the light.
(There is always light.)

You cannot appreciate the morning sun
if you do not know
what it is like to
live without
the
night
sky.  

Hope is power,
hope is fortitude.

Hope will assist you in changing the world. 

However,
you cannot change the world around you

until you change the world within you. 

Be patient, 

allow
the universe
to do
it's
work. 

**The sun will always rise, 

it will always shine. 

(As will you.)

The time is near -

I have carried your heart with me for far too long.

I am drowning in my suffering.

A heavy heart, and even heavier cogitation.

I have developed an appetite for clarity,

that only subtraction of sentiment will bring.

My fear has made anchor inside of me,

but is one in the same with what will free me from this relentless pain.

I am not yet ready, 

but soon will be needing to say my goodbyes.

I will miss you endlessly.

I am

sorry

this is the road 

needed to take 

to forget 

you.

You are doing what is needed for you.

So you let me go.

This is my way of doing so,

this 

is 

for 

ME.

A Note To Self -

It is easy to feel insignificant when the individuals you love 

aren't able to communicate or connect with you in the way you need. 

And it is so hard not to internalize that silence as a reflection of personal worth. 

But the truth is the way that others operate is NOT about you. 

Most individuals are so caught up in their own struggles and anxiety 

that the thought of asking someone else how they are doing

or even taking the time to truly care to know does not even cross their mind. 

This does not mean that they are inherently selfish or uncaring. 

They are merely busy and self- focused and that is okay.

It is not evidence of some fundamental failing on your end. 

This does not mean that you are unlovable or invisible to all. 

It just means that people are not very good at looking beyond their own world, 

but the fact that you are - that despite that darkness you feel, 

you have the ability to share your love and light with the world.

That is a strength. 

Your job isn't to alter who you are to appease anyone other than yourself. 

It is to find people to give you the connection you need. 

Because despite what you feel, 

despite how others have made you feel, 

you are not too much to handle. 

You are not too sensitive or too compassionate. 

You are thoughtful and empathetic to your surroundings. 

You are emotionally driven and have a kind heart. 

And you do not need anyone else's approval or affection 

to feel anything other than what you are. 

YOU ARE ENOUGH.